Let the Games Begin

NaNoWriMo has officially begun. Its day Two, and I currently have 15,071 words thus far- waaaaaaaaaay ahead of schedule.

*bang*

Nanowrimo

Yes, the time has come for another year of Nanowrimo eating away at my soul. I already have a novel plot going for next month, and I can't wait! *squee*

If you're trying to write a novel, this is your ticket to stop procrastinating. Nanowrimo stands for national novel writing month. You can get to its website by clicking on the dumbo icon on the left. It's a nonprofit organization created by writers, for writers. 30 days of literary abandon, the goal is to write 50,000 words in the month of November. Nano offers a set deadline to get your pens moving along nicely, with forums and plenty of nice people to help you along, even if it means giving you a good stern kick in the behind.

This is my second year participating in nano. Last year I roped four of my friends into it as well. Friend 1 (aka Owl), Friend 2 (aka Farmer's Daughter), and I successfully finished our 50,000 words on time. Our other two friends, however, fell a little behind, but put forth a valiant effort during out write-in night at my house. Some people are opting not to participate this year, whereas some new friends are planning on joining up. We've already got at least two write-ins planned for this November. These write-ins are a whole night (we lasted from 9pm to 5:30am last year) of typing frantically, updating our word counts every couple of hours. It gives a tremendous boost to the word counts, too. : )

The bit of wall next to my computer is covered in my colored flash cards that outline what my plot consists of so far. This is a new method I'll be trying on for size this year. If you're interested in what my novel will be this year, check out my author page on Nano. http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/412835

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Opened eyes

I've never noticed before how cruel people can be. How blind was I?

A Few of my Favorite Things

Books- these are propably the best (material) things in the whole wide world. I already have multiple posts about my book-love, but it couldn't hurt to put it all down again. The whole book creation process intrigues me. Really. Ideas --> paper --> agent --> publisher --> print --> my bookshelf. And then I read the books, and get ideas of my own. May sound boring (if not a little insane) to some of you out there, but I can't get enough of this. So many stories to be told, so many things to read. My current project is Dracula. Not my normal read, but it was reccommended to me by a stranger, and who knows?

Sour Patch Kids (or other forms of mildy sour/sweet gummies)- My favorites are the red ones. Enough said.

Taylor Swift's music- she is by far my favorite artist. It's still good satisfying country, but with an appreciated pop edge. She seems very down to earth, and is very likeable. Currently listening to one of her (newer) songs, Hey Stephen. Its so giddy and upbeat, it's almost addicting. Here's some of the lyrics:

"Hey, Stephen, I know looks can be decieving

but I know I saw a light in you.

And as we walked, we were talking

I didn't say half the things I wanted to.

Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window

I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold.

Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel

Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

Can't hekp it if there's no one else

Mmmm, I can't help myself."

And plenty more where that came from with Taylor. There's pretty much a song for everything you'll ever need: crush songs, love ballads, friendship, one for your parents, and of course, the breakup songs (both angry and sad). Yeah, so there it is.

Guys- yes, they've made it onto my list of favorite things. At least... a select few have made it. Because I certainly know more than one guy out there who whould NOT make it onto this list. So, I shall revise this and say Nice Guys have made it to my list. The kind who open doors and the whole lot.

Classic Movies- I mean the good movies. The ones from the late 20s, the 30s, 40s, 50s, and yes, some from the later years, like Dirty Dancing. Black and whites. Westerns (High Noon) , romances (An Affair to Remember), mystery (The Thin Man series), comedys (The Mouse that Roared), holiday (A Wonder Life), action (Indiana Jones), odd stuff (Harvey), and so much more. Much, much more. If you don't know who Audry Hepburn, Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Gene Kelley, or Betty Davis are, you are seriously lacking in life.

Hrmph

School starts tomorrow for us here. Its a bittersweet thing. Bitter: summer freedom ends, stress, homework begins, last first day of grade school. Sweet: seeing friends everyday again, new clothes, always something to occupy you, and the season FALL.

Fall is my number one season. I love everything about it. The weather here in the northeast is fantastic. Cool days, vivid colors, and the beginning of the best holiday season. The clothes you get to wear are perfect: not too bundled up, but just enough to sport a favorite jacket with jeans. And even school gets to add to the fashions with backpacks (I am disregarding the new school policy against backpacks and purses inside. It makes no sense.) And the LEAVES! Oh, lordy be. You might think they change slowly, but you're wrong. One day you look at the trees in your yard and say 'hey, I think this is starting to turn!' Next time you glance up, BOOM, they're all different colors. Deep reds, purples, yellows, orange. Ah, my heart's already breaking for the thought of it. Then they fall, and the raking begins. I even love that chore. Good memories about jumping in the piles and covering each other in them. Halloween brings the pumpkins and squash, the scarecrows and sometimes up here, the frosts. Fall foods are really scrumptious, too. Pumkin spice granola bars, apple pies, dried and salted seeds, homemade soups for the colder days, mashed sweet potatos- what else could anyone want?

Did God just call me an idiot?

To start with, The Shack is truley one of the best books I have ever read. It's changed my whole perspective on religion. And I'm not even kidding. I also confess to having thought of God as this old white man, the "bad cop" of all bible situations, while Jesus was the "good cop" (you know- saving people, doing whatever he's told, healing the sick). And the Holy Spirit- that's always confused me, not gonna lie. But this book seriously changed how I look at things.

Even if your skeptical about the God thing (as I was), read this book. If you don't change your mind about things once you finish, no harm done. But that wasn't the case for me. I had my mom buy the book for her to read on a plane ride, but as soon as we got home, I stole it and read myself. I was curious- its such an author success story, as I read in Writer's Digest one issue. It held incredible ratings, and has been on the topseller list for quite a stretch. I wanted to see what all the hubbub was about. What I found was understanding.

The book explained many of the hard ball questions that people throw at God- why is there so much hurt in the world? Why aren't the innocent and children protected from evil? How could God send his son down to die for humanity while he sat up on his cloud? How do we know God is with us? Why no direct contact with people? And for me, what the heck is the "holy spirit"? And it answers all these in cleverly written dialogue between a man well past his last straw (Mack), God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. God is firstly portrayed as a heavy black African woman who loves to cook. Jesus is a middle eastern worker with a workshop. And the Holy Spirit, called Sarayu, is a tiny Asian woman who constantly works out back in the gardens.

And my favorite part of the book is when Mack is talking to Papa (God- and yes, he calls her Papa when she is in the form of a woman) about his emotions. She elaboratly explains that he is afraid of raw emotions and touches on some other topics. Mack listens carefully, nods, and sums it up in a simple sentence "So I'm afraid of emotions and (something else I can't remember). Anything else?" God sighs and mumbles that men are idiots sometimes and bustles into the kitchen. Laughing, Mack shouts back "Did I just hear God call me an idiot?" God's reply: "if the shoe fits, honey... If the shoe fits..."

I cried about eight times while reading this, and I can't express enough how glad I am that this book was published. Please, please read it. It's wonderful, and it really makes you believe that this 'holy trinity' does care about you and me.

A Very Scary Thunder Storm

I would now like to write about thunder storms. I love them dearly, don't get me wrong, but when one quite rudely wakes me up in the middle of the night, I can't help but feel like scolding them. It sounded like a massive lightning strike took place in my front yard. KA-BOOM-boom-(boom)-!!! My two doggies, Tommy and Ellie, came running for the stairs. Ellie is the one who is most frightened by storms, and she started to claw at the toddler fence we put up so they don't scratch at our doors all night. I heard my mom get up and let them into her room, but not before I opened my door and my baby Tommy came in for a pat down. And now here I am, at 2:33 in the morning, typing away. The storm has died down a lot now, but the rumbles keep coming.

My thing is, I love storms. Especially if the rain is starting just as I'm going to bed. It's so calming, even more so if I'm somewhere with a tin roof (like my grandparent's home). That's the best, really. But sometimes, I can't help but be annoyed with the thunder. This storm, though, isn't such a 'very scary' one that's in the title. So I must now put my computer away and get back to sleep, if the storm will let me.

Jason Glover is my Lover

Haha! So yeah, Mister Glover was a contestant on this season's So You Think You Can Dance (which I absolutely love to death). He is probably the most amazing guy I have ever seen in my life. Yup. And (AND) his birthday is the same day as mine, just a different year. It's pretty much a sign from the dance gods that this is meant to be. Check out this dance of his- Top 10 If It Kills Me - on YouTube, and watch it all the way to the end, and try to tell me he isn't perfect. I bet you won't be able to do it. But just be warned- he is MINE.

So hello, new celeb crush. It's been a while since I've had one of these, and I'm enjoying it.

Harry, my love

I saw the movie, but I will spare you the recap (and spoilers for the insane people who have not read the book). I will just say that I've again realized that Harry Potter is done with. The movies, I'm afraid, don't count. I don't care one single whit that the last book has yet to be released (due to come out in two parts next year).

The books are done.

And it saddens me. I grew up with those fated books, beginning the first in third grade, and finishing the last the in high school. I ran around my backyard with my two best friends as we pretended to be Ron, Hermione, and Harry. I remember that I was always Harry, just because I had glasses. Alaina was Ron (her red hair), and Kelsey was Hermione (her heroine). We struggled to memorize the spells from the books and waved around sticks that we'd brake off of the apple tree. In fourth grade I was Ginny for Halloween, proudly wearing my red wig and black robe that my mother had made out of dad's old raincoat. I waited for my own owl delivered letter with spindly green writing that would invite me to Hogwarts, as I know many of my friends did, and cried when it didn't come year after year. In middle school my group of friends and I would sit around the lunch table and discuss the plots and fight over our favorite characters. Freshman year Jemma and I matched up all our friends with Harry Potter characters, giggling over our selection (I was paired with Fred). I went to two midnight release parties with my friends in high school, and we sat up all night reading until we fell asleep on our open books.

Gone.

I miss them. The characters, the waiting for another book, the guessing, the wondering, the reading. Another series like that will not come again. It's not an opinion- it's plain fact. Another series will never excite me as much as the world spun by J.K. Rowling, the creator of worlds, the breaker of dreams. I laugh to think of how long I waited for my letter. I wanted so badly for magic to be real. I checked the mailbox everyday each year a week before and a week after my birthday (just in case they didn't use the owls in America). I really did cry while reading the books. After I read Dumbledore's death, I had to put the book down for a few minutes to collect myself. I reread the final fight scene, and cried again when my Fred fell, dead. My heartbeat would speed up during fight scenes, my concentration would increase tenfold when I expected something, and I'd bite my fist when Harry had a close call. I laughed too. Inside jokes would link Potter fans, and I'd smile when I read a particularly witty comment. Some call it crazy, that they're all just characters. But when you read these books year after year, they (characters, even the story) start to become more tangible.

That's all I can say.

There is hope, though. I'll always have the books to re-read. I don't personally read them over again as often as some, and I can't repeat scenes word-for-word, or tell you what the first word of the third chapter in the Chamber of Secrets was. I'm not that bad. I space out my re-reads so that I forget little things. It makes it better when I'm still surprised by things even the third time around. And I'll give the books to my kids, someday (in the distant, distant future), and watch them read it. Though it won't be the same. Future generations won't have to wait another year or two between books. I think the waiting made the books more fantastic with the anticipation that was, for me, never let down. But that's how it has to be, I guess.

So goodbye, Harry Potter.

Bathrobes, pictures, and WIZARDS, oh my!

Have you ever noticed how amazing bathrobes are? I bet you haven't. I myself have two. A fluffy long one that is blue with clouds and stars, and a shorter thinner one (also blue). These are curious clothing items, but they deserve respect. It's like a long coat made out of fluffy towels held together by a belt. Some might think this as odd, but I say bring the comfort on. And hey- they're better than Snuggies. Much better. Just don't go to any sporting events with the robes on, and you'll be dandy!

SENIOR pictures have to be taken this summer/ early fall. I can't believe it. I don't feel like a senior, you know? I feel no different than I did last summer, or the one before that, or before that. I always thought I'd be more... not me. That sounds crazy, but when I was a kid, I always thought 'my future self will do this, or that', as if it were some doll I'd be controlling. But I somehow never connected that it would still be me. And its... not as easy now. Choosing colleges, collecting credits, thinking about where I'd like to do semesters abroad in a couple years. It's freaky.

Harry Potter 6 came out yesterday (this morning?) at midnight. Yay. I just bought a black T-shirt that says 'MUGGLE' across the front. Oh. My. I love it so much! I'm thinking of altering the sleeves, though, to make it more feminine and also maybe turning it into a V-neck. Frankly, I'm not at all sure how that'll turn out. But needless to say (which means that I am going to say it anyways) I am now ready to see the movie. The shirt proves that I'm a potter follower, but not so out there as to wear an actuall costume or carry around a wand.

It was funny, actually, becuase I had to go into this store called Hot Topic- which is a frightening store, to get the shirt. And then as I was checking out, the register lady (who had multiple face piercings and oddly neon-colored hair) asked me "So if you weren't human- I mean to say a muggle- and your were a witch, what house would you belong to?" I jumped into the conversation, explaining that I'd like Hufflepuff becuase it really is the nicest house and is quite underappreciated. She agreed with me, informed me that one of her friends would also be in Hufflepuff, and said she's personally be in Slytherin (of course).
It was the strangest thing, but I felt so accomplished that I just had the geekiest conversation ever right there. "Well, if I were a witch..." I'm laughing just remembering it. And both of us were dead serious about the conversation. I am SO COOL. Yay for me!

I get to go see the movie Saturday at this big mall that Shannon, Joey, their mothers, and I will be near on our trip this weekend. It's a HUGE theater, with amazingly comfy seats that are tiered so every seat gets a good unblocked view of the ginormous screen. I'm going to get popcorn and a slushie. Oh, I can't wait....

Rain Rain Rain

It has been raining, cloudy, and/or cool for the past two months here. I mean really- is this necessary? It's supposed to be SUMMER, mother nature. Burnt, yellow grass, wicked humidity, giant blazing sun, and temps in the high 80s to low 90s. So maybe it doesn't sound like the most fun thing, but I want summer back!

Esto es ridiculoso!

Music and Love

I just got new music that I found on Pandora, and I am so thrilled about it. New music makes me feel like I'm in love. When you can just play the same song over and over again, and never tire of it. Hmm, much like I'd wager love is like, I guess. Ha! Like I'd know...

Here they are, check them out: Lonely Boy by Black Lab, Ocean Wide by The Afters, and Marianne by Matt Wertz.

I feel bad for all these dud posts, but I just don't have it in me to rant on for a page and a half anymore. I'll put that on my to-do list, though, for sure.

Hmmm...?

I have an idea. A good one, I think? I don't really know. I really shouldn't start another writing project now- I have three still "in progress." That's in quotes because in order for anything to be progressing, as the phrase in progress implies, things have to be moving along. They are stagnant, and have been for a while now. I'm actually thinking about doing a couple short stories before I try to tackle another big idea. See what I can do, small scale. first. But anywhoo- here's my idea. Don't laugh (I will know if you do, and will cry).

Diaries of Death

Everyone learns that they will die, but they must focus on living. Few learn that they are born to die. Born to suffer every last minute, to not only witness, but experience, countless deaths. We are death, but we are not the bad guys here. Death works for God, believe it or not.

I have no idea where it came from, but I think I actually like it. Maybe. Perhaps.

Dance Show and Generaly Good News

So last night was my dance recital at The Egg, and it went really well. I did not fall once, or come in through the wrong wing, or forget (many) of the steps. So I forgot one thing in the last dance (the one that I was in the FRONT line for), but at least it wasn't huge and I got right back into it and smiled really big. I will see how truly bad or unnoticeble it was when the DVD of the show comes sometime this summer. It was a lot of fun, I'll tell you that. Running around backstage with Kelly, trying not to knock over any of the little ones on our way. My friend Jemma came with me (yes, I just abandoned the codename thing, I was getting tired of it). She used to be a dancer at the same place, and was my original reason for choosing Ginny and Jamie's modern dance to "transfer" to from my old studio, but hasn't been able to dance since she had this massive foot surgery. With any luck, she'll be dancing again next year, as she admitted she wanted to dance again (whoo!). Unluckily, she won't be in my dance class because she left off at level two, and I will be moving on up to the level four class. But I am SO excited to be a level four next year, I cannot simply wait. It's the highest level, with four dances (instead of the usual three for the level threes, and two for anything under), an hour and a half of class a week, and the most intense moves. Though I didn't think the level fours were as good as last year's, they were still good, and had the best songs. When I get the DVD, I'll see about putting their dance to Ramalama Bang Bang. Cool costumes, too. My dance buddy, Kelly, will be in my class, but will not be graduating next year, as she will only be a junior next year. So all the power to Kelly, who I am going to be really jealous of when I have to move on and she'll get another year.

Good news number two- I am going to be a Helper next year! OMG! I am so incredably excited for it, I can't even explain it. Helpers get to so just that- help the beginner and creative movement classes throughout the year. And then, at the recital, the helpers dance with their class, so the little ones will have someone to look to if (or when) they forget what to do. It's massive pressure, because if you miss a count, a step, or start repeating the wrong section, you mess up their dance, because they follow you. I admit that I'm already nervous for that, but I can handle it. As my dad once said about getting through his police training, "Nobody else had quit before me, and I sure wasn't going to be the first." So my version its: No other helper has messed up the dance on stage, so I sure won't be the first. Motivation, if you will. I know that I'm getting a class because Kelly convinced me to check with Ginny (the little kid's teacher) if she would consider me. There were only two spots open for next year, and I wan't sure what my chances really were. It goes by seniority, pretty much, but there are also about twenty seniors for next year, plus me. I had been on the list for two years though, and I assured Ginny I didn't have any sports that would block up my schedual next year. She told me she'd look at her list, and today she called and told me she'd make it happen for me, and would call again with the class choices in August. I'm 95% sure that means I've got it, because why would she get my hopes all up if she COULDN'T take me, and she DID promise to call me in August with choices. Right? I take it as a yes, anyways. I pray it's a yes, I want it so badly, and I'm not that altogether religious. If I do get a choice, I think I'll want the older class, maybe 10-12 year olds or a 7-9 year old class. Their dances repeat less and they are less dependent on the helper. If, however, I get stuck with the creative movement class (4-5 year olds), I will take it. Just more pressure, that's all. The really little ones are so relying on you, and their dance is only a couple of combos repeating at different times, and that would be harder to memorize than you'd think.

Pandora Radio

Check out http://www.pandora.com. It is so amazing! It's an online "radio" station. You can create an account for free and enter your favorite artists or songs, and the radio chooses similar music, and creates a station for you based on that music. A friend of mine told me I had to look at it today, and I already love it dearly. You can bookmark your friends and see what music they're looking at too.

So go- shoo shoo!

CooCooCa-Choo got screwed...

Yeah, I just love that line there. It's from the X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie. It was my favorite line in the whole movie, almost as epic as JK Rowling's Harry telling Ron "It probably means you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmellow or something..." But that is a book quote, and they are therefore in completely different catagories.

All I can say is I'm ashamed that I've been so sporadic with my posts lately. I can explain. Really. Okay so, I've started writing again- and I mean really writing. About 1500-2000 words per night. That's a heafty amount for me, and I've kept up the pace for the past week or so. I didn't want to break the habbit too early, becaue I know myself better than that. If I distract myself too soon after gettinga good writing scheduel going, it falls apart like a four year old with a massive ADD problem. This means stay away from reading, blogging, internet surfing, most television, unnecessary snacking, and, when necessary, homework. Oh, come on- I don't abandon my homework alltogether or anything, and besides- most of my classes are in end-of-the-year review mode. But I need to follow all my rules or else the juice will cease to flow. If you are now wondering what the heck I'm doing blogging now, I can assure you that my 1500 words are already completed, and I intend go dive back in for a second time after this. I just felt like I was neglecting my blog, and I hate it when the dates skip around so much when looking back at my posts. Also, I really wanted to use that quote in my title.

On an ending note, I will leave you with my current favorite word: spulunking. Curious? Go look it up, I've got to get writing.

Whew

Just a post to let everyone know I'm still alive. It was AP testing week at my school. Thursday was AP English, Friday was AP US history, and today was my last, AP Physics. So... I don't really want to write about those, I'd rather just forget all the problems and essays.

But nevertheless- I am alive and kicking. But almost needless to say, dince the past three weeks have been study-central, I want to read (or re-read) my books. So I will cut this short and go snuggle up with one of my favorites- Goose Girl by Shannon Hale. Whee!

The New Kid

So tomorrow I am going to drive in to school for the first time, and park in the junior parking lot. Obviously, this is the parking lot waaay behind the middle school that's really a big flat space filled with tiny rocks (= no official parking spaces). One of my friends (codename Aries) who gets a ride in to school with a fellow junior warned me that everyone is really possessive about their "spots". I put that in parenthesis because there are no white or yellow lines to mark where to park. Aries told me not to park anywhere along the tennis court fences and to say clear of parking close to the middle school- they are already taken, and their usual possessors will be angry. Once the junior who she gets a ride in with warned he'd key any one's car found in his space. Yup. And then the dean that signed my permission slip advised that I might want to be careful, because everyone parks really close together: there are a heck of a lot of juniors with cars in a relatively small space.

I have been warned, and frankly, I'm a little nervous. Where the heck do I park and what if I take someone else's space? Aren't we too old to quibble over these things- like we used to do when a new kid sat in our seat in elementary school when there weren't actual assigned seats? I have decided to park in the farthest corner from the middle school/tennis court corner of the lot, and hope for the best. At least I'll be close to the road to get out, right?

Well, here's to tomorrow!

All Tangled Up

Wow. I never knew this licene stuff was this complicated. Seriously. There are about fifteen things that I'm restricted against with this class DJ stuff. The one that annoys me the most is I cannot drive on a pulic highway unless I am going to or coming from a job. WHAT?! So, anyways, all the more reason to take Driver's Ed this year if my school ever decides to announce it.

My friends and I were planning on going to the drive-in movies tonight (pictured above when it first opened in 1949) and I was psyched because I would get to drive. Well, I can drive to the movies, just not from the movies. It's the time limit thing- they end after 9pm. Anyway, I asked my brother if he's mind coming with us so he can drive us back home. He said sure thing- he's such and easy going brother, you know? So now I need to ask my friends, codenames Aries and Artemis if they are allowed to ride with Jay driving. It should be fine, because if they were okay with me driving (who has only had her license for... four days?), they should be just dandy with my bro who has been driving with a license since Feburary 2008. He's also done a load of driving classes- Driver's Ed and Defensive Driving. I hope it all goes well now.

We want to go and see 17 Again starring Zac Effron. Not because we love Effron or anything, we're certainly not fan girls, and I personally thing his mouth is humongous and should be featured on a Honeycombs commercial. It just looks hilarious. I love the trailer that's all over the TV and the internet. Bring it on.

Bad Mood Day

Motivation. I totally lack it when it comes to schoolwork. Not to say that I'm a slacker, or even that I choose to take the easy courses, or that I don't do my work. I take the AP and UniversityHS level classes, and I have an A in all of my classes minus UHS Pre-Calculus. In seventh grade I chose to skip a year in math and science each so I started high school courses in eighth grade (a lot of other kids got the option too- it's nothing too unusual in my school). I participate for the most part, hand in my work on time and finished, and I've never skipped a single class. I am ranked at number 38 out of a class of 378 (or something close to that). My friends are all smart people as well, and we are a great group of non-partying people. Parents, I'm sure, would love to have any of us as their children. I have a few extracurricular activities: dance classes for 8 years, debate club 10th grade, newspaper club 10th grade, and best buddies organization this year. See? I'm really a good student, but why do I feel like I'm so slow? Like I have no motivation? I do most of these things not because I "want to challenge myself" or any of that nonsense, but because I know colleges will like me better or because I want to have a class of people I like rather than sit in a class with all the kids who really REALLY don't care about school. I took the 'easy' chem class last year, and since I'm a year ahead of my grade, I was stuck with the grade above me = I knew no one. Everyone wanted my answers on homework or wanted to be my partner so they wouldn't have to do any work, ext. I was so sick of them all. Hence, I'm now in the upper level classes so I can be with people I know, and like, who won't constantly try to cheat off my papers and then get angry at me if they copied one of my wrong answers.

So here I am, facing 3 AP exams in early or mid May, 2 UHS finals in June, my second SAT in June, plus all of the other finals and state regulated exams also in June. And I don't feel like studying. Lame, aren't I?

And then what? So say for kicks I get into the college I want. The work is just harder in college anyways, right? Will I be one of the "burn outs" that was good in high school but used up way too much energy and flunk out of first semester? I am really worried about this now... yet still I cannot muster up what it takes to sit down and write practice essays or compete problems 3-37 odds. Does this mean I can't be as worried as I think I am? That deep down I'm just waiting and expecting to turn into a flunkie?

I am so confusing myself here, and undoubtedly anyone else who is reading this. The easy solution that you must be screaming at the computer screen is JUST STUDY THEN! I know, I get it- I'm not stupid.

Secondly, I'm having a bad hair day. I have a whole army of flyaway hairs that are all around my face and stick out like the rays of the sun that little kids draw. Or like a lion's puffy hair that frames its face. Not half as flattering on a human girl, let me tell you. I've pulled it all back, dried it, put smoothing serum in it, let it down again- NOTHING makes it better. Stupid hair.

Zoom Zoom Zoom, Sib @ Eighteen, Best Day (LONGEST POST EVER)

How could I have forgotten to mention that I can drive now? Liscense drive- alone or with people other than my parents, at any hour I want, to wherever I wish as long as I can get there and tell everyone where I'm off to. It's really, really, really, nice. I passed the dreaded test two days ago- first time around, by the way. It was a little odd at first, but it wasn't a huge shock as I'd had my permit and been driving for a little over a year already. I can now choose my radio station, iPod music, volume, control the air and heat, and put down whatever windows I want. So far three of my friends are able to ride in the car with me, but one can't yet- I need to give her mother a ride before she approves of me (she plans to do that to everyone though, so it's nothing personal). The other mothers assume that the child of the insurance people will know how to properly drive. But by summer I bet we'll all be just fine. It's funny- now my car really feels like its mine. Before, yeah, I knew it was my car, or going to be my car... but it's different once you really get to drive it yourself, alone. It's my baby now. I'll find a name for it later, or maybe it'll just come to me. I name everything if I hadn't mentioned that already. But driving = good, sense of direction = I have none. We'll see how that mixes...

So today is my older bro's (codename Jay) eighteenth birthday- so go Jay! He can now officially: get married, join the army, the air force, the navy, coast guard, marines, move out, get a credit card, buy a motorcycle, sign legal papers, go to prison, rent an appartment, buy a house or condo, move to Svalbard (look at a map, it's real), and buy cigarettes, tobacco or cigars. Yay, my bro is growing up! Of course, he will not be buying cigarettes, or going to jail, or any of the bad stuff... but anyways, happy birthday! We went out to eat at Red Robin to celebrate (it's tradition). My dad signed our family up for this birthday deal thing a couple of years ago- the birthday person gets a free burger, ice cream, staff to sing to you, and a BALLOON. Since all of our birthdays are within two months (two in march- me and dad, two in april- mom and jay), keeping your weight under control is an issue for this section of the year. We had one of our neighbors as our waiter, and he was really nice. College kid, lives (used to live?) kiddy corner from my house, really cute, nice, and funny. Mom kept asking if she was allowed to ask him if he had a girlfriend (really, Mom?), and my mortified answer was always no. But anyways, this is about my bro, so again- happy adulthood and I will see you on the other side next year (oh, no)!

Other part of my post is my description of my wonderful day today with my friends, code names Sparkles, Aries, and... urhm. I need to give her a codename... I deem friend number three ARTEMIS. Yeah, I'm really sorry if you don't like it, or if anyone else is jealous of the name, but seriously, I can't think of anything else. Leave my fried brain alone. So as I was saying, Sparkles, Aries, Artemis, and I went to Sparkles' house today to have a photo shoot (she and Artemis are in a photography class, and she needed models). It was great. We got all dressed up and I brought over a ton of stuff in my car and we all went outside and frollicked around for a while. When all the rolls of film were used up Sparkles produced some tea and cookies and we had a nice tea party. Yes, we are sixteen and seventeen year old having a dress-up tea party (complete with frills, parasols, dresses, blanket, and tiaras) in her back yard. This would be the second tea party, the first such one being at my house, which is much worse because of my more public and open neighborhood compared to Spark's more isolated house. And we are okay with that. The tea party-dress up thing, that is. Even Aries participated in the frilly shoot, and she's not exactly the first person you'd think of when the word 'frilly' comes to mind, as she's more of a blue-black-gray-brown clothing colored person, who is more apt to wear jeans and a sweater than a sundress and straw hat. To put it lightly. But she did it with us, and she had just as much fun at it as we did. Sparks did get a little jealous once the shoot was over because she wasn't in party clothes like we were and she wanted, to quote her, "be a fairy princess too!" So she went in and changed and brought out tea. We drank some of it and had a cookie each, then just laid around on the blanket in the sun talking about everything from Gilmore Girls to summer vacation to driving. I had to break out my SPF 30 oil free sunscreen after a while- I was afraid I'd burn (I told you I brought a ton of random stuff), and then I had a parasol arranged so it shaded my face (didn't want to put the sunscrean on my face 'cause of all the makeup). I think I only tinted my face a little, so that's good. Sparks said we should do a tea party once a week in the summer, and we all gushed about how we wanted to go to the drive in movie theater soon. Then Artemis pointed out that we only had three days left of spring break. That was quite a downer. I proposed a motion to skip the month of May (with all of its reviewing and AP testing and ickiness like that), and unsurprisingly the motion was passed. Aries wanted to add an amendment to also extend the month-skipping through June, but that met some opposition in the ranks. Now we just need to alert the rest of the world that there will be no May this year... hmmm...

I just noticed how incredably long this entry is! Holy typewriter! Neesless to say (which means I'll tell you anyways) today was an amazing day, and I wish everyday could be fasion shoot and dress-up tea party day. *sigh*

My Doggie Plans

When I get my own place after college that ISN'T an appartment building, I will get myself some dogs. Not that I'm in any way displeased with my current babies, Ellie the Yorkie and Tommy the Mini Schnauzer, but I will most likely be too far to mother them in college and then... well, nobody lasts forever. Wow. I feel terrible now that I just typed that. Its like I'm some mother who's already planning which children to adopt after my current ones die off. I'm a terrible person... But since I've already uploaded the pictures I am forced to carry on anyways.

The first picture there is a black pug (duh). His name will be Professor, 'Fessor for short. I think he looks like a Professor. I don't really know why, but I just love the name for a doggie, and I chose a pug just because I had a pug when I was little, and he was such a sweetheart! But the name could also work for a mini schnauzer like my Tommy, because of the beard and eyebrow thing his breed has going.

Second pic up there is a mutt. That's right, I also desire a mutt. If possible I will pick mine up from a little farm that gives away mutt puppies for free in return for a happy home. I dunno if there actually are any places like that, but I've seen them in movies (yeah, that settles it). I will name my pretty mutt Milo. I think Milo is a really adorable name, and I've always wanted to use it somewhere. Though I do admit that the name also reminds me of the disney animated movie Atlantis (the awkward main character with the glasses) and one of my all time favorite movies as a little girl: Milo and Otis (though Milo is supposed to be the cat, Otis the dog).

Anyways, I just realized that both names are for male dogs. Professor is technically applied to both men and women, but I just can't see a girl being names 'Fessor. That's okay, though, male dogs are generally cool, and I've heard that women get on better with male dogs and visa versa for men and female dogs. I want two because I don't want my doggies to get lonely. I don't think that Bentley (my late pug) minded much being alone, but you never know. I know my Tommy and Ellie are happier together than apart- I see them snuggled up together as they sleep or romp around the yard together.

I don't think I'd be interested in getting a cat or a kitten. Too independent, too oh-I-really-couldn't-care-less-about-you for my taste. I did have a cat once, Molly, otherwise reffered to as 'That Cat'. She wasn't a kitten, she was nine months old when we got her, something like that. Black tuxedo and white glove look, deep green eyes. Meanest creature I've ever seen. If she was on the same level of the house as you were, that was as close to 'cuddly' she's ever get. I brushed her everyday, tried to play with her using those feather things on sticks, kept her litter box clean, kept the food and water full, but nooooooo- nothing ever pleased That Cat. Turns out the whole time we had her (only a month before we'd had enough) she had been peeing in the carpeted dining and family rooms, so we had to recarpted the house, pretty much. She also scratched my dad's new leather couch. That one was the last straw, and she was out.

So, yeah- this is my post about my future dogs and why it's not a post about future cats... ta-dah!

"They had faces then"

I found these on flickr and beneath it someone had posted, 'they had faces then'. And I was like, wow, what a perfect way to put it! I was just at the mall for a shopping spree with my friend, code name Sparkles, and I had decided, while browsing through pearl necklaces at Forever21, that next year my project for Photography class will be a period peice- 1920s. I love the feathery hats, pearl earings, floppy dresses, curly bobs, and the individuality of the women of the 20s. So free. The 1920s just rock out loud, and I love the whole decade- it rocks out loud!

Now, I laugh at the models on the cover of Seventeen magezine- what perfect little barbies you have there! There are, of course, good models and photographers nowadays, but I just LOVE period collections. Something about them...

Guardian Angels

(GAs for short) I just finished my second book of the week: Eternal by Cynthia Leitch Smith. It was about a girl and her guardian angel. I could go into the details, but I get embarresed when I try to explain my fantasy novels... I shouldn't be, so hey- I'll write it anyways. Because her angel showed himself to protect her when she was meant to die, she was taken by vampires (yes, yes, I know) and turned. She loses touch with her soul, and her GA is stripped of his powers (a fallen angel). His mission is to save her soul. I'll keep the ending to myself, in case anyone out there has good taste in books. I liked the book, though at times it smacked of Twilight, especially when the girl, Miranda, decided to "fast" and drink pig's blood instead of human blood. But then, I feel bad for the author. Twilight must have been a slap in the face when she read some similar ideas to her own in it. Poor Cynthia, I feel for you.

But anyway, my reason for posting was how the GAs were portrayed in the book. Everyone has one, and they watch over you at all times (and I mean at ALL times, which would be disturbing). They are allowed to only interfere indirectly: influence, creating a distraction, ext. I took to the idea, like I often do in the middle of my reading fevers. Imagine for a moment that you have your very own angel. Right there... ha! Did you look over your shoulder? I really like the idea of it. Comforting, and for the moment I believe in them. Despite my rather uncertain view on religion at all, I can't help it. I have an angel. It would be amazing, having someone there for you but unnoticable, and invisible ally for life. But creepy, too. Did I mention in the book the angel sees everything? He fell in love with his girl (not normal angel behavior) and once said "Shower times were my favorite." Ever been in a situation you wouldn't want a messenger of God to be there for? Uh... you get the point.

So a guardian angel. Cool idea, a little creepy, but cool.

My Political Stance

Everyone is stupid. Every single politician, union member, picketer, senator- all of them. are. idiots.


End post.

Just Chillin', Age

Today was a day for chilling. Nice day, very pretty. A little cool, but a vast improvement from the frigid winter days- I think spring is coming (yay). The snow is melting, only a few stray patches left lingering in the protection of the shadow my house provides. They will be exterminated soon. At least I hope.

I love sitting on the porch. Just to get that out there- I do I do I do. Sometimes I bring my music with me, but its even better just to listen to the sounds of my neighborhood. Kids playing up the street, the neighbor boy practicing lacrosse and failing, the girl across the street gingerly backing the car out of the driveway for her first time driving, the dogs barking at each other... It's just nice, and I can't imagine a childhood without a neighborhood to live it in.

My aunt and uncle came out for a visit today as well. They stayed for a couple of hours and just left a couple of minutes ago. That was nice, I don't see them often. Anyways, it was a nice day all around.

Part two: age. I despise turning older. Birthdays I'm okay with, but having to acknowledge that your one year older is excruciating to me. Even though I'm young, I still don't like it, and I shall impart on you the history of my not-wanting-to-turn-older. *ahem* The first age I didn't want to have was my 6th. I liked being five, and I was afraid to go to full-time school. It was scary, and I barely got the idea that I wouldn't be able to eat lunch with my dad before going off to school anymore (I had afternoon kindergarten). Terrifying, but I loved the cake and the clown, Mr. Twisty. (I don't remember if I had a clown at my birthday party, but it's a pretty good chance.) Second was ten. The double-digit thing is a pretty big jump, there. *tear* Then came thirteen- teenager. I had heard stories about how bad teenagers were, and I didn't want to turn into some monster like people talked about. When people would ask my mom how old i was going to be, they'd hear "thirteen" and say "I'm so sorry." I was like- what the hell is going to happen to me?! Scary thing. Then sixteen. I did not want to turn 16. Fifteen was perfect for the moment- in between ten and twenty - like some song has in its lyrics. I was proud that I was just as close to my childhood as to adulthood (favoring the child side, obviously). This, so far, is my history of age-hating, though I don't really like turning anything- these were the worst (so far).

SO my birthday is tomorrow... eek! I don't wanna! I will accept the presents, family, parties, and cake, but please, I JUST started saying 16 when people ask how old I am as opposed to 15. Don't change it now that I've got it!

Damn.

What I want... really, really badly

Okay, so I've got two major wishes here. And I'll take either one gladly.

First up- being a kid again. I know- I'm not quite an old one, or even middle aged (or even close to it), but I want to be five again all the same. How awesome is the age of five? When school was fun, there was a new letter and song about that letter added to the alphabet string every week, when it was exciting to be able to read a few simple sentences, when kindergarten was a half day and you didn't want to leave school. Kickball games in the neighborhood every other night, trading off with ghost in a graveyard and a weekly man-hunt game. When parents would have their own "summoning call" to make their kids come running home for a snack and bedtime. When the doorbell ringing always meant that my two best friends were here to ask me if I wanted to play. *sigh*

I started to lose math when they started using letters instead of numbers, I dread going to school and wish to leave early if only (if ONLY) I could get up the nerve to skip out, and books that I want to read versus dry old English class books written by dead white guys are a rare treat. The doorbell only rings when the army send out a guy to ask my older brother if he would please take a look at the pamphlet about the Armed Forces or whatever, those two best friends are people I barely even see, much less talk to. I just took the SATs and am looking at colleges I know I won't go to unless I go to, I take tests, prognostics, REGENTS, APs in May, finals, midterms, DBQs, and the NMSQT. It's tiring. Not that life is all bad now (certainly not) but I don't want to get any older.

I mean, if I'm a good girl in life and I go to heaven, I will be five and in my neighborhood again. That is, if I can place an order like that. I don't know how it'll work, but if God can fix me up with that, I would be tha happiest (angel?) in heaven.

Second on my list (though it should be first, as it is just a smidge more likely than the first), is love. I want to fall in love so much, and I know that sounds school-girlish (I am) and naive and innocent (again, I am) and all that- but I do. Yes, I've gotten the memo that it hurts a hell of a lot sometimes, and that it doesn't always work out the way people plan it to... "It is far better to love and lose than never to love at all." Isn't that a famous quote? And certainly I should imagine that famous quotes are grounded with fact and expirience, no? I want to learn about love, for good or for ill. I can only imagine what I could write with such first hand knowledge. But I'm young yet, so I also understand that I'm not ready for what I'm asking here.

What brought this peice to my list was the book I finished last night. I live for the love scenes- when they awkwardly and haltingly confess their feelings for each other, blushing and stuttering. Sometimes they just straight out dive in for a kiss when he/she isn't expecting it. Ah, it's so nice. So are happily ever afters. And I will immediatly stop talking about this because I just re-read what I've been typing and I have realized how stupid and pathetic I sound... damn.

Anyways, these are my two wishes. The first wish is the one that I want more (at this moment in time at least). Think about it- would you like to be five again? You already know my answer is an overly loud and enthusiastic YEEEEEEEES!

Not My Best Idea

Reading Edgar Allan Poe right before I go to bed? Yeah- not my smartest move, I'll admit. The Fall of the House of Usher, I'm sure, my teacher will assure me is one of the best short stories ever written- but seriously? I don't even want to talk about what it had in it, but I will assure you all of it is 100% dark, 100% creepy, and 50% jibberish. Which, I guess, is what makes it a good short story. Look at it- it has 250% to it. I do not wish to turn the lights off and crawl into bed at this hour after reading Poe. To think I was afraid of the dark before? Pshaw! Poe and midnight darkness just do not mix in my book, and I shall never try to cram any english assignment of this sort before I go to bed ever again, because now I am too jumpy to sleep/ be in the dark/ let my mind wander too far to really think about the damned book.

*deep breath*

Perhaps I will have to do some more homework to scrub the sticky remains of Poe off of my mind? Ah, well- it's really late now, so I think I will risk going to bed.

*panic attack*

Again? Yes, again.

So people might believe after that last post that I was well on my way to finishing my writing work. Well, here I am again before you- stuck yet again. But maybe I write this utter defeat too soon. After all, I did have homework and outlining that lasted many hours, participated in family eating-out night today, and had my blood drawn early this morning. I don't really know what drawing blood has to do with my writing habits, but I'm sure it has to be related somehow, right? What else would science be for but to justify every one of my points? Anyway, maybe I'm just plain old tired today. It was a rather long day, and I frankly didn't feel that magnificent as far as health goes. Or on the other hand these could just be stupid excuses. I bet a good author would sit her butt down and bang out another chapter or two anyways, no matter what wee hour of the night it took her to. And I can't even say I have to get to bed early because of schooling- my friend is up way later than I do (yes, usually writing or watching some obscure Japanese manga thingy) and she always seems fine.

Anyhow, I think I shall call this period of time my ideas "incubation time." I had that initial spark last week and jotted a few things down. Well now I am incubating my idea until it is fully matured. That's what I'll tell people anyways because, frankly, it sounds much better than saying it's another one of my procrastination spells. Right?

Ah, why does my muse leave me for so long? She's like a sporadic light bulb that isn't quite broken, instead it flickers for a time and then puffs out again. Whenever she puffs out she stays out for a while.

I should just face it and say I need to whoop my own mind into shape and just write already. It would probably help if I stopped writing this post now. Okay... my goal is to write another 200 words tonight. Not a heck of a lot, I know, but I'll take baby steps here. Starting... now!

Victory is mine!

So I have finally managed to take my story by the horns and get some things done! No longer am I traveling aimlessly in circles! I've been working on a structured outline-thingy for the past couple of days, and it has me completely pumped up. Character sketches, key plot points (but not too-too structured- a little free reign is still the best way to go), and what I need to change and what I don't need to change.

Ah! I can't make this post any longer because I really want to get back to working on it. Progress is finally being made again.

Whee!

Valentine's Day Post (The Holiday, Disney Princesses, and Six Words)

So Valentine's day! Whoo-hoo. Not that I have a Valentine or anything, but I think this holiday has the right heart. It's been a little corrupted by the chocolate, card, and flower businesses, but hey- it tries. It's a day to tell those who you love just that- that you love them (no matter who that someone is). It is geared more towards couples, new and old, but hey- what are you going to do? My parents gave me and my bro, code name Jay, a small box of filled chocolates each. I got my parents cards, and I recieved a pink yummy cupcake and some sugar candies from my friends. I forgot to bring my friends in little candies yesterday (again). But it's not about the little presents, or the big ones. I'm okay with this holiday, but I'm not a super fan. The one thing is that I would hate it if I were proposed to on Valentine's Day in the future. For some reason I hate the very idea of it. I want to avoid the cliche of it. I want my guy (when I find him, that it) to be more original than that. Surprise me, make me dinner, give me a bracelet you made yourself, and I will be the happiest person- much happier than the next girl who got a rose and heart candies- again. All of this is, of course, for when I get said guy.

The other thing I wanted to talk about today is classic Disney stories. My spanish teacher let us take out children's books in spanish for the vacation, and I naturally took the collection od Disney stories. I was reading Sleeping Beauty (La Bella Duermiento) to myself last night, realizing that I hadn't had a bedtime story in ten years, and noticed something. Well, actually, I did notice this before, but now especially it seems odd. All of the Princesses are (or are assumed to be near) the age of sixteen. Sixteen when they have adventures and fall in love and get married. Sixteen. I'm sixteen, too, and am nowhere near to any of these things. Maybe I'd like to do some of the things they do, but I can barely imagine it. Marry? That's not even legal at my age, and hasn't been for a LONG time around these here parts. Isn't it kind of creepy that they're all so young?
BUT then I thought about when a lot of these fairy tales were written- a long, long time ago, tales from all over the world. A time when it was normal to marry at that age. Snow White is German, I believe, Cinderella something like that, Beauty and the Beast from France, Sleeping Beauty is also German or something. I don't know about the Little Mermaid- Disney might have created that story themselves. These are the sixteen year old Princesses- or so it seems. Really only Ariel and Aurora/Briar Rose tell us their ages. Belle, Cinderella, Snow White, Jasmine, Mulan (though not really a princess), Megara (also not a princess)- never say specifically how old they are. So then again maybe Disney classics aren't really that odd.
There are also people who are very anti-Disney because the Princesses let the Princes come and rescue them. It's not very feministic, they say, They're nuts in my opinion. Mulan and Megara are strong characters, and even rescue the boys; Belle is compassionate and was willing to trade her life for her father's and falls in love with Beast for who he is on the inside; and Jasmine is a dreamer, brave and smart. And as for Snow White and Cinderella- didn't they deserve their happy ending for their lives of servitude without contempt? Those who lash out at Disney classics are just hurt because they didn't get the happy ending they wanted or thought they deserved. Please, don't deprive your children (especially the girls) of fairy tales just because your life isn't one. They'll understand that a Prince may not just show up at the doorstep as they get older- us girls aren't that stupid, really. Disney classics are good for the soul.

Third topic of the day is the six words thing. My friend, code name Sparkles, had this sociology assignment for homework: write your life's story in six words. Not five, not seven, but six. She had the hardest time with it, and I still don't know just what six words she ended up with in the end. But that got me thinking: what is mine? And I think I've got it.

Barefooted Mind

Walking Lost

Through Dreams

I like it. It's actually really hard to do, and it's fun too. I reccommend it highly.

Aries' Loss

I'm sorry, Aries. Your Grandfather seemed to be a very good man, and he'll be missed. It's funny how it still punches you in the gut, isn't it?

Since your family has known he'd die for four or five months now- it's hard. My grandma had six weeks when she decided to not go to dialysis anymore. Even for that handful of weeks it felt like the Tower of Terror before it drops. That feeling that you know something bad will happen, it's just a matter of when. If you're up there too long you start to want to get it over with already. At least that's how I felt, because I was the same way with my grandma's downhill spill four years ago. I still hurt sometimes- she was the only extended family member I saw on a regular basis. I even go into the spare room "Grandma's room" and talk to her sometimes. Maybe you'll just think it's weird, or maybe you'll understand me now.

My advice is to listen to a slow song (I recommend I Hope You Dance, but it's your choice) and cry, or just think. Talk about the good memories with your parents. Take your time. First losses are especially hard, even if the death is expected.

I'm sorry, truly.

New Music, Current Pondering, Best Buddies

Yeah, so I went on iTunes today to get me some more songs, because my library was starting to turn stale. I'm one of those people who buys a couple of songs at a time and then listen them to a thousand times, which in turn makes them get old quicker than normally. Anyways, as I was saying, I bought new songs today (three, actually). They are as follows: My Beautiful Rescue, Monster, and What If. The latter two are by a band I found: Meg & Dia. I like them so far. Original and their songs are full of raw stuff, a little emo-ish (violent for sure) but still have a good beat to them. All of which are good in my book, except for the emo part, which I usually don't go for- but these songs feel like they'll coax a character out of my head. Here are the lyrics to Monster:

His little whispers.

Love Me. Love Me.

That's all I ask for. Love Me. Love Me.

He battered his tiny fists to feel something.Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something.

Monster

How should I feel?Creatures lie here.Looking through the window

That night he caged her.Bruised and broke her

He struggled closer.Then he stole her

Violet wrists and then her ankles

Silent Pain

Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams

Monster.

How should I feel?Creatures lie here

I will

Looking through the windows

Hear their voices. I'm a glass child

I am Hannah's regret

Monster

How should I feel?Turn the sheets down

Murder ears with pillow lace

There's bath tubs

Full of glow flies

Bathe in kerosene

Their words tattooed in his veins, yeah

So, yeah, part two: my ponderings. I would like to turn your attentions to heaven. I'm reading a book called The Fetch by a Laura Whitcomb, and it deals with an angel of sorts. I would explain it, but it's too much for now, so for all intensive purposes I will call him an angel. So, I was thinking: what to pastors/ priests/ rabbis/ monks (hehehe) all say about heaven, or whichever version of a heaven the religion has? Happiness, right? Everybody is full and happy and with no worries at all. All love and giggles and feasting with friends and family. Forever, eternally, happily ever after, ext. Does this sound a little odd to you too? How can anyone in heaven- what do you call them... not the dead... uh, I'll just go with angels again- SO, these angels- how can they not worry about those back on earth? My mom would answer that as 'Because they know that in the end they too will go to heaven and be with them.' Yeah- but that person down on earth doesn't know that, do they? Wouldn't they worry that their loved ones are in pain because of their death, even if it's only "temporary." Another opposing point to mine would be 'they watch over them' or the guardian angel thing. Again I ask- would that stress them out in the least seeing the grief? Just a little? Yes, why yes it would. Next point: are you still the same person if there is no suffering? Define happiness without using suffering to describe what it is. It's like- you can't have light without a shadow somewhere. And wouldn't eternal bliss be... I don't know, monotonous after a while of it? How many turkey dinners can you eat without getting tired of turkey? Since I'm being quite pessimistic at the moment, I'll say this to lighten the mood: I do like the idea of heaven. Shocker? But I do- just not the puffy white cloud thing that's normally going on. If I told you my personal want for heaven to be, you'd laugh at me so loud it would travel straight through cyberland and come out of my laptop and scare the crap out of me in the middle of the night or something. So I shall keep my ideas to myself for once there.


Part three: best buddies. It's an international 'buddy' program for mentally disabled children (and adults). You are matched with a child and form a one-on-one relationship with your buddy, keeping in touch at least once a week via e-mail, phone calls, or meetings. Once a month you and you buddy go out to the movies, or bowling, or just hang out around your or their house. You go to the mandatory meetings, and sometimes to parties or dances with other Best Buddie programs in your area. I want to do it, and I picked up the participation and personality matching sheets today after school. The answer to the 'Why do you want to join Best Buddies?' is that I think everyone deserves a friend, and if I have the opportunity to be that friend- the one that makes a difference or that just makes things a little bit better sometimes- then I would be honored. And I believe in that, truly. So I hope that I interview well after break and that I can have a buddy. It'll be fun, and make me feel like maybe I am making a difference by being a good friend- a perfectly good feeling to have.

Peace out for now.

Writing

Okay, so I know that all Bloggers must love writing, and that therefore I am only one of the many, that -hey, I might not even be unique, but I have to write this post anyways. I started writing in third grade, with my very first short story The Lonely Duck. Cute, right? But I only ever really wrote for assignments and projects until eighth grade or so. And even then I was writing pretty much because one of my close friends wrote (and she had been writing for a while, too), and I figured 'if she can, I can.'

And so I started to write seriously, for me, and with the distant intention of getting published. It was all horrible scribblings at first, as I couldn't help but half-mimic the types of books I'd recently read. If I read Ella Enchanted, I would start a fairy tale spin off story, or if I read Nobody's Princess (about a Spartan Princess), I would switch to writing a mythology type book, if I read a book about magic and knights, so would I, and so on. It took me a while to find out which style was mine, and which was only a copy of another's. It's hard to do that, find yourself, that is, as a writer. Notice how I don't call myself an author- and I certainly won't until I finish a book I'm terribly proud of (as much as anyone can be) and get it published. Because that's how it works in my mind- only published writers are authors. Anywhoo, I've definitely started to discover what kind of a writer I am (not saying I've got it completely figured out yet, but we'll see).

This last November I discovered NaNoWriMo, the most amazing site ever. I got four of my friends to so it with me, two of whom were serious about it like me, and two of whom quickly gave up (but I don't blame them- it was damn hard!) NaNoWriMo, also just called NaNo, stands for National Novel Writing Month- which is November, apparently. It starts At midnight on October 31st and ends the last day of November, again at midnight. The goal is to reach 50,000 words. They don't even have to be good words, even. The only aim for NaNo is to get people to write without going back every few minutes/days to edit something. As they say, you can always edit a badly written page, but you can't edit a page that hasn't yet been written. I don't know if to anyone reading this is 50,000 looks like a lot or not, but I can assure you, at least for me (a non-professional, virtually beginner writer, and a full time high school student) it was nigh impossible. That is, if I remember correctly, 1670 words per day. I think. And that's a lot. But I finished it, with the help of an all nighter write-in with my other participating friends, at 50,011 words. I could have gotten more, but as soon as I looked up to see my counter was past 50,000, even just by eleven words, my brain deflated, victorious. The two friends who were trying finished too, both with more words than I. But I didn't really care- I was over my goal and it was heaven. Editing is still proceeding, slowly, slowly. We three plan to do it next year as well. To check out the site (it won't have much activity until October or so, but just for the heck of it), click on the cute picture of Dumbo to the left somewhere.

My problems that I need to work out with myself pretty much all deal with self discipline. I need to force myself to sit down and work on my stories, or books, or whatever the correct terminology is. And then I need to force myself to finish it, and then to edit it. So far I have not succeeded with any of these things. First off, I edit waaaaay too much before I even finish. The plot is like liquid in my head, always changing, messing things up, and waterlogging all my thoughts. And these are things that only I can help myself with. For some reason, I haven't yet finished a book I'm proud of, if I've finished any at all. Heck, even my main character's name changes several times throughout each story. It's awful of me, but I can't get myself out of this rut- my wheels are spinning, but nothing happens, you know? This blog was started so I could still get in writing practice to help with my new year's resolution of writing every day, because I just can't seem to get myself to work on my story, whether it's editing it or writing it. At least here I can write about whatever I feel like, instead of trying to browbeat myself into staying in line with the plot. And yes, I know that I'm just supposed to let the plot take me wherever it wants to go, but then I always end up having to change other major pieces in the beginning, and then return to the current plot, and only then to write more and go back again. It's frustrating, and I don't really know what to do.

I wish I could write more like my friend, code name Aries, who was one of my NaNo buddies. She's finished around four books, and her only problem is writing too much- as in she writes multiple books at once. I haven't a clue how Aries does it. She spends just as much time writing as she reads, whereas I am guilty of reading far, far more then I write. Always writing snippets of character conversation, or description in every one of her school notebooks, when the teachers are talking (and no, her grades definitely do not take a hit from this- usually they're equal to or superior to mine.)- and I don't know how she manages. Yes, I'm jealous of Aries, and it's stupid of me, because I could just as easily make myself take out a pen and write in my notebooks too, and spend more time writing and editing at home, like she does- yet I don't, because I lead myself in cursed circles like I was saying above, and now I'm just plain complaining and whining, and this really doesn't suit me well...

Despite everything, I still want to become an author someday. More than anything, I think. I want to be like Kristin Cashore, Tamora Pierce, Gail Carson Levine, Chris Paolini, even like Aries as far as work ethic goes. But I want to be different from them, too, my own. The most important thing is that I want to be my own.

Revenge and Love

I think these two things are the most dangerous things in the world of the human mind. I know I've wrote before of my pleasure in watching revenge movies, and then a few posts later, of my sucker-ness for romantic ideals. Both are passionate, soul-consuming, and in the truly intense cases, everlasting. Think about it. It's like the more common thought path of "there's a fine line between love and hate." This is my personal spin-off, then, if you'd like to think of it that way.

But I don't think revenge is the same as hate. Hate in my muddled mind is twisted on its own accord, warped by actions that were chosen. Revenge is an emotion twisted by other's actions, it poisons the soul of a person who is at first unwilling to drink down the bitter contents. For a grand example of this to better understand me, watch The Count of Monte Cristo. (Enough said about this movie- it's most certainly up there with Gladiator on my list.) Revenge, as I previously said, is powerful. It has the ability to change a person entirely to an extreme version of the previous man or woman. It compromises priorities, because it will always come first, and also changes morals/ethics previously held strong. Like I said- twisted, but brought upon by outside forces. The key is, it can be a revocable emotion, but only through time and eye opening events gone right.

Now for love. Some stray cat thoughts that may sweep into the front of your brain may be warm, strong, right, genuine, wanted, romance. And I can't say I don't think those things as well. It's what people want, to be loved. Everyone. Yet others would think hurt, chains, tainted, strain, loss, grief. Because it's both things at once, in a way. This is the reason that this love-at-first-sight theory creeps me out. So you're walking down the street and *boom* you now love that man who walked by you. What the heck is that? It's insanity! You don't know who he is, who he may or may not be with, what he likes, doesn't like, if you'd work together, if he'd ever love you back. Love makes slaves out of people. Again, sorry to sound depressed fortune-cookie here, but it's true. Love can change a person- their priorities, morals, stability, reactions. Sound familiar? Like revenge, it also can fade with time, or with eye opening events and revelations.

And I'm not trying to be anti-love or anything, because I know it can go right, but I just thought this was curious. I had been thinking about how scary love truly was and the revenge part came to me while watching, you guessed it- the Count of Monte Cristo this evening. Go figure. Now my point of this is, again, to compare the two passionate, consuming emotions. Maybe this explains why people are drawn to stories of both, like me.